Tuesday, 8 August 2017
With that hungry look in her eyes, only a beast of a cheeseburger could put a smile back on her face.
And for the boy? A meal with a free gift in the form of a plastic car or a spinning top.
YES! All of life's problems can be solved with such sickeningly appalling food, served by spotty students who can always be replaced if they're not up to scratch.
And on rolls the beast...
...on it rolls regardless.
Have a nice day! Have a good day!
Saturday, 8 July 2017
With his bloodshot eyes, broken nose and chipped front tooth, it's no wonder that our friend's success rate with women is LOW.
Is this the man you would introduce to your parents as your cuddly teddy bear cum future husband?
I think not.
Image the scene: a Sunday afternoon barbecue, with mummy, daddy, the neighbours and a few of daddy's colleagues.
The temperature is rising as the sausages sizzle, and the teddy bear from hell has had enough of talking politely about the weather. He has only one thing on his mind, and that is to get merrily drunk and to hell with the consequences.
His beer-drinking skills are impressive, and as one empty can follows another, the teddy bear unleashes a tirade of verbal abuse at mummy. The rest, as they say, is history.
THIS SUMMER, AVOID UPSETTING THE FUTURE IN-LAWS!
Be wise, be smart and be nice.
Wednesday, 17 May 2017
"Tony's had a very successful morning pickpocketing, and even though it's cold outside, he managed to brave the harsh weather long enough to line his own pockets with some much-needed cash.
Of course, we all know that theft is morally wrong, with one of the ten commandments telling us that thou shall not steal.
But as the boy rightly says, nowadays it's the survival of the fittest, and if the only way we can say stay alive is by stealing from others, then so be it.
Today's haul comes to just over three hundred pounds, a couple of passports and a season ticket for the underground.
Tony has already made contact with Glen, our friend from the other side of the river, to see if he can do anything with the passports. Glen said that he'll be over later, because at the moment there's a place in the market for identity fraud.
Somehow, I just know that this year is going to be a great one for Tony and me."
Dave Cooper banging on about his friend, the much unloved Tony Joy.
Meet these characters, and others, in The Londoners trilogy of ebooks, out now on Kindle.
Monday, 8 May 2017
Thank God that the presidential elections are over in France. Intense politics can drive a sane man crazy, but I've always managed to keep my head up in such testing conditions.
Politicians are a funny lot - dishonest, thieving and sometimes homosexual - but it's this lot who decide how our country is run.
I reckon that I would have been a great world leader, if it wasn't for the fact that I swear a lot when drunk, I'm very fat and I don't like certain ethnic minorities.
Anyway, I've spent the last few hours thinking and drinking, and now I think I've got the five-point plan that could get most countries back on track, if they're in financial turmoil, and the natives are getting restless.
1: Long-term unemployed people should be seen but not heard. Why the hell do these parasites have the right to vote, when they offer nothing to the economy? Strip 'em of their rights.
2: Bring back flogging. Shoplifters to insurance salesmen would think twice before crossing the line.
3: Bring back national service. A young boy (or girl) who is groomed at a young age, and who has discipline drilled into them is an asset to a nation. Don't forget: war is here to stay, so we need a fighting force.
4: Ban mobile telephones in public places. It's a plague that's gonna bring us all down unless we stamp out the biggest menace since reality television.
5: Ban fast food restaurants. This craze is smashing through the traditional family way of life like a bazooka through candyfloss. Selling unhealthy, unappetising and overpriced food, these temples of sin are sending nations into a pit of obesity.
You know I'm right!
Tuesday, 2 May 2017
FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD!
Yep, whether it be from the finest restaurant in town or from a fast food restaurant overloaded with spotty students and screaming kids, food has never been so good.
There's all sorts of wonderful food to suit every budget, and there's all types of restaurants hoping to reel us in, feed us up and then spit us out.
When Bob Geldof and Live Aid sang "Feed The World" all of those years ago, they wanted to bring to our attention the famine which was sweeping across Africa like a tsunami. More than thirty years later, the black continent is still begging for food and bothering us with their hideous lack of personal hygiene and their mud huts.
You could throw billions of pounds at the starving masses for the next hundred years, and it wouldn't change a thing!
Lazy isn't the word to describe these idle bastards, who sit around all day making their numerous wives pregnant whilst before watching the day go by from the comfort of their hovels. Work is just a four-letter word to the blacks of deepest Africa, who feel that their problems are because of our lack of care and understanding.
I mean, go out now, grab a cheeseburger, wrap it up and airmail it to a famine-ridden, African country of your choice.
The recipient of this magnificent gift will no doubt complain that it's gone cold in the post, there's no fries and there's certainly not enough to feed his six wives and forty-three children. But because he's polite, he'll devour the burger in one go before throwing its carton container on the ground, leaving the flies to lick away the cheese and salad which our hungry friend didn't want.
Do not expect a thank-you letter in the post.
Charity, as they say, begins at home. And as they also say, you can help some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time.
Tuesday, 4 April 2017
Sitting on a bench, watching the ferries sailing back and forth across the Channel, Ward allowed the weak heat of the sun to slightly warm his pale face. Less than twenty-four hours earlier he had killed a thirteen-year-old girl. Killing the child had been a quick and violent act, and her death was of no consequence to him. For Ward, the pleasure in killing someone came from the pain and suffering he caused the parents, relatives and close friends of his victims. He knew, as a stray dog ran past him, that right then, somewhere in Canterbury, the parents of Melissa Hall would be sick with worry, not knowing if their little angel was alive or dead.
Ward pulled from his pocket a telephone. It was Melissa Hall's telephone – the telephone she had dropped when he had attacked her from behind, before throwing her into the sea. He had, wisely, turned the telephone off after he had murdered the girl, for he knew that when a mobile telephone is switched on, it is quite possible for the location of the telephone to be detected by satellites. But now he had to switch the phone on, because he wanted to play a very sick game with Melissa Hall's parents.
Tuesday, 14 March 2017
Ward swore to himself and made a beeline for the outer deck. It was ten o'clock at night, and apart from a few flickering lights, visibility was poor. He gripped the rail which prevented him and other passengers from falling overboard, and shaking his head from side to side, he bemoaned the fact that the boat was old and dirty. He then peered over the rail and watched as the foam from the black sea splashed against the side of the boat. He observed the sea and listened to the sound of the ferry's tired and aching motors, as they propelled the boat gently through the Channel. The air may have been cold and uninviting, but it was so much better than the air he had been forced to inhale in the bar. There, the sea of bodies stank of stale sweat, they belched, they coughed and they spread germs. The air inside was soiled by all of those fat and ugly bodies, by northern scum and foreign dross. The air outside was pure.
Extract taken from "After Dover" - an ebook for kindle by Luke Ryman.