Fatty Tony is very depressed this morning. He has reason to be.
His beloved Arsenal went down at home yesterday to the hated enemy. There's no money in the bank. Our unemployment benefit doesn't arrive for another week. The heating in the flat is beginning to show signs of packing up. Christmas is coming.
We don't like Christmas. As Tony says: It's just another opportunity for retailers to take the last penny from our pockets.
He's got his eyes on a new Arsenal outfit this season, but the price is just too much to swallow. Not to worry, Tony says that a spell of pre-Christmas shoplifting will solve all of his problems, and he has already started to prepare a list of items that he intends to steal within the next few weeks.
As he has no conscience, he sees shoplifting as an acceptable part of everyday life, just like going to the toilet, and can't really see what all the fuss is about.
Also, as he rightly says, tourists come over here every year and take pleasure in stealing from our High Street retailers, so if they can do it, so can we!
Money's tight, so lunch will be a few pints of lager and a bit of bread that's been hanging around in the cupboard since Friday.