Sunday, 30 January 2011

German For Beginners

We've just finished watching one of our favourite war films, and as Tony says, it always brings a smile to his face when he sees the germans getting a good beating, even if it's only a film.
Down at the pub, we see thousands of tourists come through the doors every year, in search of fine ale and a place to rest their weary bodies, and apart from the japanese, it's the germans who we hate the most.
Tony reckons that they got off lightly at the end of the war, and now, sixty-six years later, they're well on the way to building a new "empire of evil, ready to unleash onto an unsuspecting world."
I think the boy's right, and when I think about it, I can't think of anything decent to say about the country, or its people.
Tony says that if things get much worse, in a few years time, we'll all be eating sausages and talking german, and wondering what winning the war ever gave us.
Sid, the landlord of our favourite pub,  refuses to serve the bastards, on the grounds that german women are very ugly, they smell a lot, and they strut around as though they own the place. Personally, I agree with him, and can't understand why instead of pulling down the Berlin wall, we didn't build a few more, and completely cut the fuckers off from the rest of the world!

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Avoid All Things Spanish

Tony reckons that the spanish are a strange lot, and can't see why every year millions of British holiday-makers make Spain one of their preferred destinations.
Of course, constant sunshine and cheap beer might be two of the reasons, but apart from that, Tony says that Spain has got nothing to offer a pair of culturally cultivated individuals like him and I.
I think he's right, and if her in the upstairs flat is anything to go by, spanish women are definately a lot uglier than some of their european counterparts. I think that her upstairs is called Rosa, and apart from a terrible facial hair problem, she has a problem with body odour. Tony says that hair on a woman isn't such a bad thing, providing that it's in all the right places, and there's not too much of it. However, he says that bad body odour has never done much for him.
One of the servers at our local burger bar is spanish, and I must say that her acne and poor command of the English language is getting just too much for us to cope with. Tony says that it's not right that we should have to put up with such ugliness, and that the girl should be fired, or at least moved into the kitchens, away from the gaze of the public.
Once again, I have to agree with the boy, and as I said to him, what can one expect from a country who gave the world bull-fights and paella. In a word - NOTHING, but as he said, at a push, it's not as bad as Greece...

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Healthy Eating? Not For Us

So there we were, at our favourite fast food restaurant, when Tony started to become agitated. But then again, I can't really blame the boy for thinking that the world has gone fucking mad.
I mean, all we wanted were a couple of decent cheeseburgers, fries and something sugary to drink, whilst the customer in front of us didn't know whether to go for a fish burger or just a simple salad.
When we finally got served and sat at our favourite table in the corner of the restaurant, Tony commented on the fact that the current healthy eating buzz has turned us into a nation of vegetarians, who are more content to eat a bowl of lettuce than a decent steak.
Of course, it's all very well to sometimes go for the healthy option, but whilst vitamins are all very nice, a decent quarter pounder with a delicious slice of melted cheese is so much better.
Tony says that the Europeans are to blame, and he says it won't be too long before celery burgers and roasted peppers start to make an appearance in England. I think he's right, and after watching a documentary on television the other day, I couldn't help but remark that the government should turn its attention to more serious matters - like the immigration crisis - instead of paying "experts" thousands of pounds to tell us that carrots are good for us, but drinking excessive amounts of strong lager certainly isn't!
Still, as the boy says, we live in a democracy, so all the while we have a choice, he says you can shove your salads where the sun doesn't shine, and keep the burgers coming!

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Warm Lager & The National Front

Last night the two of us attended the annual convention of our local branch of the National Front. It was held in a private room behind the bar of a pub just around the corner.
The boy Tony was very impressed with the turn-out, and at one point he became all moist in the eyes, as nostalgia started to get the better of him. It's true - we've been attending these meetings for years and years, and throughout that time we've both made some wonderful friends.
Glen and his iron bar was present, and it was fine to hear him tell the crowded room how he would tackle the UK's immigration crisis, if just given the opportunity. Alas, people like him are always misunderstood, but I reckon he'd make a great Home Secretary.
Also there were Mick and Andy, two of our friends from the south coast, who enjoy nothing more than attacking people of a "certain colour", just for the fun of it. Tony laughed when Andy said that he's now been banned from every football ground in England, because of his antisocial behaviour.
Alas, Darren from north London couldn't make the meeting, but from his prison cell, he sent us all his best wishes via the internet, and says he hopes to be out in a few years time.
After the meeting we dined on stale sandwiches and drank the warmest lager money can buy, but we all agreed that the National Front is still a force to recognised!

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Money Isn't Everything

The boy Tony reckons that our love of strong lager, whisky, cigarettes and cheeseburgers means that we'll always be poor. Of course, we've only got ourselves to blame for the financial mess in which we find ourselves, but as Tony says, people like us live for the day, and to hell with the consequences.
I reckon that the boy's right, and as I often say to him, it's all very well saving for a rainy day, but life is very short, and when we die, we can hardly take our money with us, can we?
I call it my LIVE FOR TODAY AND FUCK TOMORROW policy, and I reckon that it's because of my attitude that although I'm hopelessly poor, have no savings whatsoever, am forced to live in a shitty, damp flat, haven't been on holiday for years, and haven't eaten a decent steak since god only knows when, I am essentially a very happy man, content with the fact that even in the lowest moments of despair, after a few pints down at the pub, and a delicious cheeseburger on the way home, although life will still seem shit, it won't be as shit as it could be!
And that, my friends, is the only way to live!

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Tony & The Australian Family

Tony was on top form in the pub last night. After managing to secure credit facilities from Sid the landlord (owing to our current cash-flow problem), we wasted no time in getting ridiculously drunk, and upsetting anyone who we felt deserved a good going over.
The boy did well to spot an Australian family huddled in the corner of the pub, trying to escape the English winter, by enjoying a drink in the warmth of the bar.
Of course, to Tony, this was just an opportunity to start shouting at the top of his voice how glad he was that our boys down under had given the fucking Aussie cricket team a good, and well-deserved bashing. The father started to cringe, and to be fair, mouthed back at Tony that the next time round they'll wipe the floor with us. Tony, incensed at the reply, said that he would be surprised that there will be a next time for our boys to play in Australia, because if the current flooding gets any worse, the whole country will disappear under the rainwater which is currently pissing down by the bucket load on the country. There was no reply to that, except that Sid piped up and said that any country that is responsible for giving the world Kylie Minogue and Crocodile Dundee only gets what it deserves!
Needless to say, the family made a hasty exit, with the father muttering as he left that Tony should have been shot at birth.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

New Year, Old Problems

The boy Tony has just returned from the bank, and has announced that tonight's trip to the pub is off, as are this lunchtime's cheeseburgers. The reason for the change of plan is that we are both broke, and what's more, the cash machine gobbled up his cash card, and told him to call into the bank and speak with his personal advisor, as a matter of urgency. Needless to say, he's not a happy boy.
I've been on the phone to the unemployment benefit office, telling them that we're in a desperate situation, and can we have an advance on our unemployment benefit. The reply was a resounding NO! We've now got to go a whole week without cash, and as the boy rightly says, it's going to be hard.
I reckon Tony might resort to a bit of pickpocketing to make ends meet, because as he says, a week without food is just about possible (even if we were relishing the thought of tucking into our first cheeseburgers of the year), but a week without lager, cigarettes and whisky - well that's just fucking impossible!
Oh Lord. It's a new year, but our problems are already mounting.