Tuesday, 31 July 2012

An Extract From "Dave Cooper Is Unemployed" - by Luke Ryman

In a pub, somewhere on the Isle Of Wight


At about ten o’clock, when everybody was well and truly drunk, we were joined by Walt and Doris, the two Americans we had met on the ferry, who pushed themselves through the crowded bar to be with us. When Walt finally crashed down in his chair, he mopped his brow with a handkerchief, and complained that the heat was too much for him. Doris leaned against the back of her husband’s chair and said that she was hungry. Walt coughed and spluttered, and after asking us all how we were doing, he asked Dave if his wife could have a couple of sandwiches. Dave passed the platter to Doris, who, smiling at Dave, proceeded to finish off the rest of the food. Walt sighed, and asked us if we wanted a drink, before asking Chris in a booming voice to serve us whatever we wanted.


Whilst waiting for the drinks, Walt explained that he and his family were staying in a bed and breakfast, just down the road. He added that the place was the pits, and that the owner looked like Adolf Hitler. Dave chuckled, and as the drinks arrived, he told Walt that we were all staying at the same place. After toasting our health, Walt continued, and said that he thought the owner was a goddamn pervert, as he had taken a more than a reasonable interest in his two daughters, Stacey and J. C...

Friday, 20 July 2012

A Sad, Mad, & Bad Ending

Dave and Tony are dead.
Their time to leave us came last week, as the two friends enjoyed a camping holiday with a few of their friends, in the rain-sodden Cornish countryside.
The mini-bus in which they were travelling was involved in a collision with a second vehicle, and despite the best efforts of the local emergency services, Dave and Tony succumbed to their injuries at the scene of the accident. The driver of the other vehicle, a Polish man in his early twenties, was found to have been driving whilst under the influence of alcohol.
Having known Dave and Tony for a few years, I'm fairly certain that if they had been told that their days would have ended in a Cornish country lane, the two friends would have exploded with laughter, and would have insisted that they would end their days in a blaze of glory - full of beer, and at home in London.
Sadly, there was no blaze of glory at the end, although I would like to think that they would have been merrily drunk - as was often the case - when they traded their lives for death, and deprived at least a few people of two colourful yet sadly tragic friends, who lived for the day, and didn't give a damn about the consequences.
This is the End, but life goes on.
Luke Ryman

Friday, 6 July 2012

When Everything Comes Together

Tony and me at last have something to celebrate, after the two of us won nearly two thousand pounds on the lottery.
YES! It's wonderful news, and as can only be expected, our good luck means that tonight's trip to the pub will be extra special.
Tony reckons that the alignment of the planets may be behind our much-needed windfall, and that God has at last decided to give us something to smile about.
I think that my fat friend's belief that divine intervention is to thank for our good luck may be unfounded, especially when Tony has been known to steal from churches, and urinate in graveyards, after a heavy night's drinking in our favourite pub.
But we're not going to blow all of our winnings in the pub, because that would be foolish, especially when with so much cash the two of us can at last have a decent holiday.
So, tomorrow morning, we're off on our travels with a few of our cronies, when we'll be heading to a campsite on the south coast, for a well-deserved ten day camping holiday.
I think we're going to have a GREAT time, and as I write, Tony is packing his case, whilst whistling a jolly tune.
I can only apologise in advance to any other campers who will be at the site at the same time as us, and whilst Tony, the gang, and me will try and respect your wishes, and act responsibly at all times, I honestly believe that after drinking all day, and partying all night - for ten long days - if you're looking for peace and quiet, it's probably a good idea if you go on holiday somewhere else!
We'll be back - soon.