Wednesday, 19 December 2012

The Joy Of Christmas - Part Two


So, you've managed to get the tree into the house, by dragging it through the garden, before carrying out a complex manoeuvre which involves turning the tree on its side, so you can get the bloody thing through the kitchen and into the dining room, where it will take pride of place in the corner of the room.

Now, to please your wife, you decide to decorate the tree in her absence.The decorations are from last year, and to be perfectly honest - they're total crap. But what the hell - an hour later your overgrown, Norwegian, overpriced tree looks so much better. This, you tell yourself, is because the fragile baubles and plastic angels make all the difference. And then, once the lights are on, and the musical bell which plays fifty different Christmas carols has been brought to life, you tell yourself that you deserve a drink.

So, the lager flows as the singing bell fills the room with Silent Night. Then, more lager flows, and even if the singing bell brings joy to you, after the twenty-fifth, randomly selected carol, you decide that the bell is beginning to annoy you, in the same way that Bing Crosby does whenever he sings about dreaming of a white Christmas (see previous post).

After seven cans of lager your wife arrives home. She's finally finished the last of the Christmas shopping, and is in need of a glass of white wine. Off come her boots and down go the bags. She sails into the dining room, happy that the bank account is empty, and the shopping is done. And then she looks at the tree, and taking a sip of her white wine, she believes that the tree would be better in the lounge.

You attempt to reason with her, and even if you pride yourself on your negotiating skills, the woman of your life has already made up her mind.

After another can of lager you grab the tree by its baubles, and after dragging it across the floor, you encounter your first problem. The tree is too wide and tall to pass through the doorway. Your wife suggests, as she opens a second bottle of white wine, that by tilting the tree forty-five degrees, success will be guaranteed.


 In fact, the required angle of tilt was fifty degrees, but after an hour spent transferring the tree from one room to another, it's too late in the day to start arguing about the importance of five degrees.

You stare at the tree and want to cry. All of its pine needles have been lost in the move from the dining room to the lounge, most of last year's decorations are smashed and ruined, and the lights no longer want to function. However, the musical bell has survived what resembles a tsunami, and as you open another can of lager, and pour your wife another glass of wine, Silent Night fills the air!


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