Monday, 25 March 2013

On A Train In Kent...

Sittingbourne Railway Station

When we got to Sittingbourne the carriage was invaded by a group of French students. Tony looked at me and said he hated the French. He hated their stupid language, and he thought that their food was disgusting. When Barker said that France was probably the culinary centre of the world I threw my empty lager can at him. He looked away and said that we knew nothing about the finer things in life. Reaching into one of his bags, Sid pulled out a bottle of whisky and said that there was nothing finer than a ten-year-old single malt. We agreed, but decided to keep the whisky for later, as Dave said that he had a thirst for only lager and nothing else. As Tony passed around the cans he looked out of the window and told us that he had once spent a night in the cells, in Sittingbourne, after refusing to pay for a dodgy curry.
It will all end in tears on a train from Kent to London, as French students decide to come along for the ride.
Extract taken from "Dave Cooper Is Unemployed" - an ebook for Kindle by Luke Ryman

Monday, 18 March 2013

Trips To Be Forgotten

Paris was a nightmare.

But Tony had started to warm to the idea of spending a few days in France, and when he asked me if I thought he should take his leather jacket, I knew that his suitcase was mentally packed, and he was already sailing across the English Channel. I tried hard to dissuade my only friend from going with me, but as he slipped on his shoes, and carefully placed his favourite baseball cap on his fat and bald head, he suggested that a trip to the pub was necessary, to get us in the holiday mood, and help us relax for the arduous journey that awaited us. I grabbed my own shoes, and knowing that there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind, I told Tony that a journey to China would be arduous, but getting to France would be like a walk in the park.
Tony Joy getting excited about going to Paris - extract taken from Going Wild In Paris/A French Adventure

A very bad time was had by all in Vegas & Florida.

It was January, but it was hot. Tony smiled, and said that he had never felt heat like it. He was right – I could feel the top of my head burning under the late afternoon sun. Andy was still looking at the front of the building, gaping like a small child, and trying to count the number of floors. Tony gave a quick burst of Viva Las Vegas, before deciding that we were going to be better off inside, out of the way of the sun's harmful rays, and closer to the action.
Mr Cooper and Mr Joy - with their very irritating friend - standing in front of their Las Vegas Hotel
Extract taken from My $hit Time In Vegas/An American Adventure
We were both thirsty and hungry, and our feet were starting to ache after having walked what seemed like a hundred miles. I wanted to drink several beers, and smoke a few cigarettes, but as Tony reminded me, we had no beer, and we had smoked all of our cigarettes. We also had no money, and even more depressingly, we had nowhere to sleep for the night. We were in a hopeless situation, but as my companion rightly said, when one is at the bottom of a pile of shit, one can't sink any further.
Mr Cooper and Mr Joy - without food, beer or cigarettes - on the road from Paris to Bordeaux
Extract taken from Bordeaux, Here We Come/A French Adventure
These are just some of the titles available for Kindle via Amazon. Please remember that Cooper and Joy sometimes use offensive language, and say things that might offend YOU!

Wednesday, 6 March 2013


Underground is where the action is.

Deep beneath the surface of our part of London, the station was already unbearably hot, and that same stench which fills all of London's underground stations couldn't be avoided. I had decided to dress light for my day's work, but even though I was only wearing a t-shirt, I had started to sweat heavily, causing perspiration to appear under  my arms, which left me feeling dirty and uncomfortable. Tony was suffering worse than me, because his obesity meant that he was dripping with perspiration, which in turn left him to complain about the time we were forced to wait for out train to arrive. Wheezing and coughing, he eyed a group of foreigners at the end of the platform, and smiling, he said that they would be our first targets of the day, once we were on the train, because even if we could have picked their pockets there and then, it would have been unwise, because cameras had every angle of the platform covered.

Dave Cooper & Tony Joy are underground - beneath the streets of London - to pick pockets, and bring misery to the lives of many.
Extract taken from "The Londoners 2 - After Love Comes Hate" - an ebook for Kindle available via Amazon