Friday, 13 December 2013

Meet Boring Peter & His Friends

Boring Peter Doing His Boring Job

Yep, Christmas is almost upon us, and so throughout our green and pleasant land lots of office workers are preparing themselves for their annual office party.

Oh what fun boring Peter from accounts is going to have, hoping that at the table of the local Harvester pub and grill - a fine venue for an office party - he'll be sitting next to shy Jenny from the shredding room. Then there's John from the mail sorting room and Alison from reception. And let's not forget Sarah from the claims department, Paul from the filing room and Tanya from downstairs. The boffins from the I.T. department have been invited, the regional director will be making an appearance and the office manager and the two trainees are also coming along to join in the Friday night fun.

This Will Be The Place To Be

Now, if you've ever stepped foot inside of a Harvester restaurant, you will know that the chance of having a good time - be it at Christmas or in the middle of summer - is slimmer than an anorexic teenager, and that not even sexy Tanya from downstairs will make the evening one to remember.
 
But smiles on faces and good manners are the order of the day, because even if it is the end of year party, there is no way that the regional director wants to see any of his minions even mildly drunk, and neither does the bastard want to hear Peter's one and only "dirty" joke.
 
No, No and No! You WILL arrive on time, in an attire which - if you are of the female variety - covers your white and lumpy flesh, and if you're a man you should really wear a shirt and tie - and have a shave.
 
Peter is upset. Shy Jenny has been placed next to Paul. Tanya is between the guys from I.T. Alison is at the end of the table, and Peter - the sad and lonely Peter - is at the other end of the table, with the two trainees and the bore from security.
 
But don't be sad, Peter. Sit back and enjoy your exotic cocktail, and share details of your dull and uneventful life with Graham - the former soldier who now spends eight hours a day in a wooden hut, letting people in and out of the company car park.
 
The roast turkey is shit. The vegetables are cold and the waitress is Polish. None of the spineless bastards at the table dare to ask for a pint of beer or a glass of white wine, until Jenny...
 
 ...well, until Jenny has the audacity to ask for a glass of Chardonnay.

A look of horror fills the regional director's face. A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY! Jenny has committed a crime worse than child murder - and her career in insurance is surely going to end this very night. But then comes Paul's request for a pint of lager and Tanya's demand for a vodka and coke.

The office manager looks down at the floor, and wishes that the stained carpet would open up and take him down. He knows what vodka and coke can do to a young girl, and he knows that Jenny won't be satisfied with only one glass of Chardonnay.

The director doesn't hang around for the Christmas pudding. He bids his lowly slaves a happy Christmas, and reminds all concerned that if they intend to get merrily drunk, don't forget that Bairstow & Co Insurance is proud of its reputation, and that careers are at stake if the evening at the Harvester pub and grill turns into a drunken orgy.

Once the miserable bastard has gone, and the office manager has slipped away, the rest of the invitees decide to let their hair down, order lager by the bucketful, Chardonnay by the barrel and vodka by the gallon.

Jenny reveals her white flesh to Paul. Tanya slips her tongue inside of Graham's mouth. Alison disappears into the car park with a guy from I.T. John does his fine impression of Adolf Hitler. And Peter...

...well, Boring Peter vomits his Christmas dinner over the Polish waitress, after a double whisky proves to be a double whisky too much.

Bairstow & Co's reputation has been shot to pieces, but in the words of Sarah from the claims department: WHO GIVES A FUCK!

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