Thursday, 26 December 2013

Where's My Comfort Food?

What does the future hold?

This is a question which people throughout our green and pleasant land are asking, as 2013 slowly disappears from our calendars, to be replaced by another year, and another - in most cases - twelve months of what we've just gone through.
You may well want to telephone a clairvoyant, at sixty-five pence a minute, to be told that you've got to keep an eye on your health, or you may already have a gut feeling that next year is going to be YOUR year.
Well, MY guts have nothing to say, and as for Mystic Marion in Basildon...
The future, my friends, is in our hands, and whilst fate can play a part in what's to come, I reckon that all the while I've got my comfort food, my cans of lager and my gambling addiction, life can throw as much shit my way as it likes, because quite frankly, what's to be will be.
Resolutions? Ah, yes! That's a list of things we jot down on the back of an envelope on the last day of the year, knowing there's more chance of it raining chocolate bars in Swindon than there is in us actually sticking to that stupid, bloody list of complete and utter nonsense.
Resolutions for 2014, you cheerfully write, include guzzling vast amounts of Perrier, eating tons of iceberg lettuces and turning your back on the biggest vice of all - the lottery. You may even, you convince yourself, start going to church every Sunday morning and you will certainly not be watching any more porn movies. Your addiction to the internet will be overcome and your use of foul language will be a thing of the past. You will get to like your neighbour, even if you really think he's a bastard and you will send money to charities throughout the land. You will know longer spend hours watching football on television, but instead take up an interesting hobby.
Oh what a joy life will be, you believe, as you wonder why you didn't think of all of these life-changing things earlier.
Perrier and iceberg lettuces? Come on now, a juicy cheeseburger and pint of lager sounds so much better, doesn't it? And no more spending hours on the internet? And stamp collecting instead of Arsenal versus Liverpool? What a load of bollocks your list is, and what a waste of time writing your list has been.
So think again before you give up sex and let Jesus into your life, for whether or not you give up all of those nasty habits, hoping that it WILL lead to a better life, WHAT'S TO BE WILL BE!

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