Sunday, 26 January 2014

Tony & Kez

Tony was enjoying himself with one of Samantha's girlfriends. God, she was gruesome. But that wouldn't have bothered him. I listened and watched as the maestro went to work. She was called Kerry, but her friends called her Kez. She spoke with a very heavy London accent. It was too embarrassing to listen to. She was fat and ugly. I didn't even want to think about her tits, or if she was wearing panties or a string. Tony laughed with Kez. He moved closer. He bought her a drink. He told her a funny story. She laughed. She looked at him. They were made for each other. Was Kez going to be another of Tony's victims? I don't think she would have minded, because she didn't have the sort of body or looks that would have had men thinking about long-term relationships. She had the body of a woman who was there to be fucked – and that's all. My slight erection died a death when I studied Kez for longer than was necessary. Chaff. Chaff. Chaff.

Extract taken from "The Londoners Trilogy - Four Years In London."
An ebook for kindle, by Luke Ryman, where you can meet unfortunate and ugly people like Kez.

Monday, 20 January 2014

Meet Phil, From Thanet.

A French double cheeseburger.
A croissant.
A French furniture shop.

It was Phil who chose the lunch venue, and when by chance he stumbled upon a fast-food restaurant at the edge of a large town, a smile returned to his face. A few double cheeseburgers and a bottle of beer was enough to put a spring back in his step, even if French cheeseburgers, according to him, weren’t as good as their British counterparts. And even if the fumes of the passing traffic sometimes made him cough and splutter, and nobody behind the counter in the restaurant had spoken a word of English, he didn’t really mind.

Phil is enjoying an end-of-holiday meal with his friends Clare and Deano, somewhere in Normandy, in the car park of a fast-food restaurant. He has come all of this way to eat bloody cheeseburgers, but who can blame him?

Extract taken from But Bloody France! - Part 1 of an amusing series of tales abouts the ups and downs experienced by a group of friends, during their two week holiday in Normandy.

This title, and all others by the same author, is available for Kindle via Amazon.

Monday, 13 January 2014

Off The Radar: Francois Hollande

Welcome to the first instalment of Off The Radar, in which high-profile individuals - whether they be politicians, sportsmen, businessmen or entertainers - are asked politely to disappear from view, because they've simply got nothing left to offer - and never did have anything to offer.

If you think that George Bush was a bad world leader (father and son) and that Italy has thrown up some rather dodgy politicians, Francois Hollande is still in a league of his own when it comes to being inept at running a country.

Hollande's time in charge has been not an easy one, and as unemployment spirals out of control, the price of cigarettes goes up and misery is in abundance throughout the land, the French president is now at the centre of a scandal involving him and a young French actress.

Millions of socialists must be wondering why they voted for Frank, when he has failed to deliver any of his promises and it's getting harder to get a job over here. On the employment front, Monsieur Hollande is planning on recruiting thousands of extra civil servants, so that government offices throughout the land will run smoother and the number of people unemployed will fall. Sadly, French civil servants are some of the laziest bastards on the planet and therefore an increase in their numbers will do nothing to change anything.
Get your cheap cigarettes HERE!
Smokers are now having to drive to Belgium or Luxembourg to buy their daily dose of nicotine, because heavy taxes now mean that a small loan is required if Jean-Paul or Maurice want to buy a packet of cigarettes. This is terrible news for French shopkeepers, but wonderful news for Luxembourg - because before now, no-one ever knew how to get to this very small country. But all this has changed, as a trail of battered Citroens weaves its way through northern France, in search of cheap tobacco.

It's all gone wrong for Hollande, although France has qualified for this year's world cup in Brazil and it always seems to be hot and sunny in Corsica. However, the television over here is still crap and the French public are still, on average, each using only half a bar of soap a year. MERDE! - you cry - not even Hollande can be blamed for the state of French TV and the fact that most French people smell. Well, no, he's not responsible, but someone has got to take the blame.

Frank, your socialist ideas are buggering up this country and your love life is in a terrible mess. Your partner - at the time of writing - has been hospitalised because of the stress you have brought upon her and your country is becoming sicker as every day passes. French bureaucracy has gone mad and Luxembourg is the best place to get cheap cigarettes. It only ever rains in Normandy and there's nothing open on a Sunday afternoon.

Dear Monsieur Hollande, please resign NOW!

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Predictions For 2014

So now that 2013 is over and a new year is upon us, Luke Ryman would like to take this opportunity to give his predictions for 2014, and who or what will make the news.

Francois Hollande: He's up to his eyes in shit

Since becoming the president of France, Francois Hollande is probably wondering why he took up politics as a career.
Clearly out of his depth, and as popular as the Third Reich, this bumbling buffoon must act fast if he's to save his country and his reputation.
In March 2014 he decides to hold his hands up and admit that he's buggered up his country, and that he needs help.
He seeks the advice of Francois Mitterand, the former socialist president, who appeared to do a much better job of running France.
Hollande sends numerous emails to Mitterand, but all of his pleas for help go unanswered.
It is only when a leading historian informs Hollande that Mitterand died in 1996 does the penny drop, and Hollande realises that the game is over.
At the end of 2014, when there are more than forty million unemployed froggies in France, the price of a baguette has broken through the fifty-euro mark and Paris is sold on eBay, Hollande decides to go.
England will NOT win the world cup, even if the entire nation is behind them.
After losing their opening match to Italy, in which Roy Hodgson's young lions are thrashed eighteen goals to one, Hodgson pulls his team from the finals, and returns to England a broken man.
Wayne Rooney is blamed for the heavy defeat, after spending the evening before the match drinking heavily and dancing on the roof of a twenty-four hour mini-market in downtown Rio.
The English want Rooney to be punished and they also want a new manager - and NOW!
Arsene Wenger - the current Arsenal manager - gets the top job in English football, but his appointment is not welcomed by the English football-loving public.
However, Wenger talks of a new era in English football, but after being beaten  fifty goals to one in his first match in charge, by Luxembourg, even Wenger admits that the road ahead is going to be very long.

In the summer of 2014, McDonalds is bought by a Chinese billionaire.
He wants changes to be made, and insists that his latest toy is renamed McWong.
However, the double big Wong and Wong happy meal fail to bring a smile to faces of the hamburger-loving public, and very soon millions of customers turn their backs on Ronald McWongald.
And if all is not well on the customer front, in the kitchens of McWong, misery reigns supreme.
Forced to work ninety hours a week, for just a bowl of rice and a free Wongburger, the once loyal employees of McDonalds decide that the time has come for a change of career.
FUCK CHINA is the common cry throughout the land, followed by LONG LIVE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!

Airbus, the European aircraft constructor, secures its thousandth order, and all is well for Boeing's major competitor.
However, in southern France, where Airbus has its main assembly plants, the local French workforce is on strike.
Unhappy with having to work more than five hours a week, and unable to cope with a one-hour lunchbreak, the laziest race on the planet refuse to make another plane, unless the French government  gives in to its demands.
Francois Hollande, the useless French president, steps in, and promises to offer a free Airbus to every employee, if the he or she agrees to work six hours a week.
Delighted by the offer of a lifetime, ten thousand lazy bastards decide to accept Hollande's offer, and Boeing is forced into bankruptcy.