Monday, 13 January 2014

Off The Radar: Francois Hollande

Welcome to the first instalment of Off The Radar, in which high-profile individuals - whether they be politicians, sportsmen, businessmen or entertainers - are asked politely to disappear from view, because they've simply got nothing left to offer - and never did have anything to offer.




If you think that George Bush was a bad world leader (father and son) and that Italy has thrown up some rather dodgy politicians, Francois Hollande is still in a league of his own when it comes to being inept at running a country.
Bonjour!




Hollande's time in charge has been not an easy one, and as unemployment spirals out of control, the price of cigarettes goes up and misery is in abundance throughout the land, the French president is now at the centre of a scandal involving him and a young French actress.




Millions of socialists must be wondering why they voted for Frank, when he has failed to deliver any of his promises and it's getting harder to get a job over here. On the employment front, Monsieur Hollande is planning on recruiting thousands of extra civil servants, so that government offices throughout the land will run smoother and the number of people unemployed will fall. Sadly, French civil servants are some of the laziest bastards on the planet and therefore an increase in their numbers will do nothing to change anything.
Get your cheap cigarettes HERE!
Smokers are now having to drive to Belgium or Luxembourg to buy their daily dose of nicotine, because heavy taxes now mean that a small loan is required if Jean-Paul or Maurice want to buy a packet of cigarettes. This is terrible news for French shopkeepers, but wonderful news for Luxembourg - because before now, no-one ever knew how to get to this very small country. But all this has changed, as a trail of battered Citroens weaves its way through northern France, in search of cheap tobacco.


It's all gone wrong for Hollande, although France has qualified for this year's world cup in Brazil and it always seems to be hot and sunny in Corsica. However, the television over here is still crap and the French public are still, on average, each using only half a bar of soap a year. MERDE! - you cry - not even Hollande can be blamed for the state of French TV and the fact that most French people smell. Well, no, he's not responsible, but someone has got to take the blame.


Frank, your socialist ideas are buggering up this country and your love life is in a terrible mess. Your partner - at the time of writing - has been hospitalised because of the stress you have brought upon her and your country is becoming sicker as every day passes. French bureaucracy has gone mad and Luxembourg is the best place to get cheap cigarettes. It only ever rains in Normandy and there's nothing open on a Sunday afternoon.


Dear Monsieur Hollande, please resign NOW!





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