Sunday, 5 January 2014

Predictions For 2014

So now that 2013 is over and a new year is upon us, Luke Ryman would like to take this opportunity to give his predictions for 2014, and who or what will make the news.

Francois Hollande: He's up to his eyes in shit

Since becoming the president of France, Francois Hollande is probably wondering why he took up politics as a career.
Clearly out of his depth, and as popular as the Third Reich, this bumbling buffoon must act fast if he's to save his country and his reputation.
In March 2014 he decides to hold his hands up and admit that he's buggered up his country, and that he needs help.
He seeks the advice of Francois Mitterand, the former socialist president, who appeared to do a much better job of running France.
Hollande sends numerous emails to Mitterand, but all of his pleas for help go unanswered.
It is only when a leading historian informs Hollande that Mitterand died in 1996 does the penny drop, and Hollande realises that the game is over.
At the end of 2014, when there are more than forty million unemployed froggies in France, the price of a baguette has broken through the fifty-euro mark and Paris is sold on eBay, Hollande decides to go.
England will NOT win the world cup, even if the entire nation is behind them.
After losing their opening match to Italy, in which Roy Hodgson's young lions are thrashed eighteen goals to one, Hodgson pulls his team from the finals, and returns to England a broken man.
Wayne Rooney is blamed for the heavy defeat, after spending the evening before the match drinking heavily and dancing on the roof of a twenty-four hour mini-market in downtown Rio.
The English want Rooney to be punished and they also want a new manager - and NOW!
Arsene Wenger - the current Arsenal manager - gets the top job in English football, but his appointment is not welcomed by the English football-loving public.
However, Wenger talks of a new era in English football, but after being beaten  fifty goals to one in his first match in charge, by Luxembourg, even Wenger admits that the road ahead is going to be very long.

In the summer of 2014, McDonalds is bought by a Chinese billionaire.
He wants changes to be made, and insists that his latest toy is renamed McWong.
However, the double big Wong and Wong happy meal fail to bring a smile to faces of the hamburger-loving public, and very soon millions of customers turn their backs on Ronald McWongald.
And if all is not well on the customer front, in the kitchens of McWong, misery reigns supreme.
Forced to work ninety hours a week, for just a bowl of rice and a free Wongburger, the once loyal employees of McDonalds decide that the time has come for a change of career.
FUCK CHINA is the common cry throughout the land, followed by LONG LIVE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!

Airbus, the European aircraft constructor, secures its thousandth order, and all is well for Boeing's major competitor.
However, in southern France, where Airbus has its main assembly plants, the local French workforce is on strike.
Unhappy with having to work more than five hours a week, and unable to cope with a one-hour lunchbreak, the laziest race on the planet refuse to make another plane, unless the French government  gives in to its demands.
Francois Hollande, the useless French president, steps in, and promises to offer a free Airbus to every employee, if the he or she agrees to work six hours a week.
Delighted by the offer of a lifetime, ten thousand lazy bastards decide to accept Hollande's offer, and Boeing is forced into bankruptcy.


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