Tuesday, 25 February 2014

An Evening With Roger Whittaker...

...and Clare, Deano and Phil, in their little part of Normandy.

"And what shall we do this very evening?" asked Deano, snootily, looking at his own girlfriend, who was well and truly on the way to finishing her second bottle of wine. Clare looked at him and winced. She didn’t like it when Deano mocked her semi-posh accent.

"Well," replied Clare, "apparently there’s a live group performing at the bar tonight."

"YEAH!" cried Deano, as he threw a bottle of beer in Phil’s direction. "Dire Straits comes to Normandy," he sarcastically added. "We’ll have to get there early, if we’re to get the best seats in the house," he continued, as he poured cold beer down his throat.

"Well, Deano," replied Clare, annoyed that her second bottle of wine was now empty, "it’s more of a mix of folk and easy listening."

"What?" asked Deano, annoyed that there would be no Dire Straits to listen to. "Folk and easy listening?"

"Yes, you know?" laughed Clare. "It won’t be so much Mark Knopfler, but more Roger Whittaker."

"Roger who?" enquired Phil, as he kissed his girlfriend goodbye.

"I’m gonna leave old Durham town, I’m gonna leave old Durham town…" sang Deano, as he started to dance with a very surprised Emilie.

"Oh, got you mate!" said Phil. "Yeah! Who needs Dire Straits when you’ve got old Roger?"

"…and that leaving’s gonna get me down," continued Deano, as Clare, Phil and Emilie all wondered how Deano knew the lyrics to a Roger Whittaker song.

Extract taken from "But Bloody France!  (Part 2) Kate or Wayne
An ebook for Kindle by Luke Ryman
Get YOUR copy now by clicking on the book cover on the left hand side, and take a trip back to the seventies and immerse yourself in the Normandy countryside.

Friday, 21 February 2014

They're Back!

The story so far


Clare Green would have been delighted if her boyfriend, Deano, had taken her away on holiday to a far-flung, exotic destination, where the sun always shines, there is a sandy beach within spitting distance of their luxury hotel and the view from their balcony is a view to die for.


So how the hell did she end up in Normandy, where it rains all of the time, the nearest beach is miles away and their luxury hotel is a holiday home which has seen better days?


“Some boyfriends NEVER take their girlfriends on holiday,” explains Deano, as he tries to work out just how he’s going to make two weeks in rural France seem like fourteen days in Bali. And if the choice of destination isn’t enough to put a sledgehammer through their already fragile relationship, the idea of going on holiday with Deano’s best friend, Phil, does nothing to improve the situation.


“Two weeks in Normandy is better than nothing,” protests Deano, clearly annoyed by his girlfriend’s lack of gratitude.

“You’re just a bloody snob, Clare Green,” announces Sarah, Phil’s trashy girlfriend, who wears supermarket clothes and who is also coming along for the ride.


“Most boyfriends would never expect their girlfriends to have to spend two weeks in a hovel like THIS,” snaps Clare, as she surveys the stinking, filthy cesspit which is going to be home to her, Deano, Phil and Sarah for the next two weeks.

“Babe, you’re just being too negative. After all, in the garden there’s a private swimming pool,” replies Deano.

“You call THAT thing a swimming pool?” asks Clare, pointing to a rectangular hole in the ground, filled with rotting leaves and last year’s rubbish.


But at least there’s a bar in the village. At least there’s a place to eat fine food, drink great wine and try and imagine that one is in Bali. And there’s lots of pretty girls, too. There is a pretty girl called Emilie.

Clare always thought that she was normal. She always thought that boys go out with girls and girls only go out with boys. Two girls together? Yuck! She’s not a lesbian, except a pretty girl called Emilie has unlocked something deep inside of Clare Green.


Bali would have been better, but even Clare must admit that her holiday in Normandy hasn’t been that bad. She’s enjoyed the fine food, the great wine and she’s also discovered something about herself. Now she just wants to stay in Normandy and never return to England. She wants to stay with Emilie.


And then everything comes together, just as Clare Green wants it to. To hell with England and to hell with her humdrum job. The holiday home which at first seemed like a hovel is where she wants to spend the rest of her days. All she needs now is money to buy it with.


It’s the last day of the holiday.


An evening at a casino.




Everything has come together.


And now Clare Green has made it this far, when it’s time to clean out the pool and think about what she’s going to do tonight, after a hard day’s work in rural France…

Get your copy now of "But Bloody France (Part 2) Kate or Wayne
Available from Amazon, for Kindle
Welcome (back) to Normandy!

Monday, 17 February 2014

Bad Food & Blood Over Her Top

"Oh, bloody ‘ell, Clare, what have you gone and ordered us?" shrieked Sarah, as blood shot from her steak towards her favourite top. "Look at my bloody top, it’s covered in blood!"

"If you’re not happy, then why don’t you bugger off and find a bloody hamburger restaurant," replied Clare, as she stuffed a chunk of steak into her mouth. "And it may have escaped your attention that it’s almost ten o’clock at night, and that we’re the only people in the bar, and this Godforsaken village. So I reckon we’re lucky to be eating anything at all!"

"Calm down girls," pleaded Deano, as he peered into his plate. "Moaning about a plate of steak and chips is hardly the best way to get this holiday up and running."

"The fries are soggy, the meat is still alive, but the beer is GREAT!" said Phil, trying to bring an end to the argument. "I reckon that we should all raise our glasses to Clare, because without her, we’d all be dying of starvation right now."

"TO CLARE!" shouted Deano and Phil, as Sarah tried hard to rub the blood from her top, completely ignoring the two men.

Sarah isn't keen on the steak, and what's more, her top - cheap and trashy - is now covered in blood. So why doesn't she bugger off to McDonalds and leave the others in peace?
Extract taken from "But Bloody France" - a short, amusing tale about four friends having a terrible time in Normandy.
***And coming soon: Part 2 in the series***

And why not join Dave Cooper and Tony Joy, on holiday in Paris and Bordeaux, where the two friends realise that they should have stayed at home, in London.

This ebook - "Dave Cooper: A French Adventure" is now available from Amazon for Kindle, as are all titles by Luke Ryman