Sunday, 2 February 2014

Beware Of The SheBoys

Montgomery: He did well against Italy

Fast forward to 14th June 2014, when Roy Hodgson will lead the England football team out into the stifling heat of Manaus, where his boys will face those dastardly Italians in their first world cup group match.

Hodgson has said that it's going to be hot in the Amazon, and perhaps the heat will play a crucial part in the outcome of the match.

Meanwhile, back in England, at eleven o'clock at night, millions of English football-loving men (and women) don't care about the heat, because as the match kicks off, millions of cans of lager are being consumed at an impressive rate.

Now back to the match, which starts badly when John Terry - the rock in England's defence - collapses in a pool of sweat. He is - to put it not too bluntly - completely f*cked by the intense heat, and wishes he was back home in England, where it's pissing down with rain and the British summer is yet to make an appearance.

Poor John is carried off and replaced by an unknown and untried England player, who manages to put the ball in his own net - not once, but three times, therefore becoming the first player in the history of the world cup to score a hat-trick against his own side.

The lager is going down a treat in England, so when the final whistle blows, no-one back at home cares - or is even surprised - that England have lost their opening match six goals to nil.

Of course, we all know that England have never beaten Italy in a world cup finals match, and after the match on 14th June that dismal record will still stand. Yes, Roy Hodgson may speak several languages and be a well-respected figure in English football, but he isn't Field Marshall Montgomery - the man who gave the Italians a decent thrashing in the last war.

 But if the heat will play havoc with Roy's boys, another problem which will surely cause England's downfall is the abundance of SheBoys in Brazil.

"Oh, she's beautiful!" I hear you cry, as your eyes gaze upon this wonderful girl, and when Wayne Rooney is enticed by another equally stunning creature, we all know that the chances of winning the next group match, against Uruguay, are dead in the water.

But Rooney doesn't care about the world cup - no, all he wants is his wicked way with a girl from Rio.

Sadly, Rooney forgets the first golden rule of dating a girl from Brazil: even if the top half looks good, make sure that the bottom half consists of all the right parts...

...otherwise your night of passion will leave you feeling very ill.

So to hell with the world cup, to hell with trying to beat Italy and to hell with the beautiful game. Just give me a can of lager, be grateful that Montgomery won HIS match against the Italians and just be happy that your wife/girlfriend/lover has all the right bits in the right places!

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