Thursday, 20 March 2014

Should Have Stayed At Home

This little girl - enjoying an afternoon in the woods with her brother and parents - is about to realise that she should have stayed at home, and not bothered to have joined her family for a bike ride.

Distracted for just a few seconds, to think of a word which might begin with the letter "t", her new bicycle is smashed to pieces by a high-speed train and her family are left mentally scarred for life. If only she had stayed at home, the bicycle would be in the shed and the girl still alive.

And this makes me think of the time I was on holiday on a Greek island, enjoying a siesta in the comfort of my hotel room. Someone knocked on my door, and when at first I didn't answer, the knocking increased. Unhappy that someone had ruined my afternoon nap, I answered the door, to be greeted by a tattooed man with an accent which told me that he came from Leeds.

"Sorry to bother you, mate, but I was just wondering if you had a tin of baked beans you could lend me," said the man.

Needless to say, I slammed the door on him and returned to my bed, thinking that if a man has come to Crete to eat baked beans, then why, I asked myself, didn't he stay at home, in Leeds. And anyway, why did he knock on my door? I mean, do I look like I travel the world with a suitcase loaded with baked beans, and why do strangers like him insist on calling me mate?

Then there was the woman at the local casino, the other night, who complained to me that the slot machine I was playing on was too noisy. She asked me if I could turn down the volume, to which I replied "No!" She, quite obviously, should have stayed at home in front of the television. Then there's the people who go on holiday, for some much-needed sun, yet only complain that it's too hot to go outside. Why, I ask myself, don't these people stay at home? And on the list goes...

By now the terminal had become unbearably hot. The sunlight pouring through the vast windows had turned the building into an oven, and as more and more French students descended upon the fast-food restaurant, Deano started to sweat profusely.

"Bloody French bastards. Why don’t they piss off home to where they belong," he seethed, wiping a trail of sweat from his brow.

"Well, if you can’t stand the little buggers, why the hell are you going to spend the next fourteen days in their country?" replied Clare.

This extract is taken from "But Bloody France!" - the first ebook in a series about four friends hoping to have fun in Normandy. It seems that Deano, Clare's boyfriend, should also stay at home.

"But Bloody France! - Part 1"  and "But Bloody France - Part 2 - Kate or Wayne" is now available for Kindle, via Amazon.

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