Sunday, 27 July 2014

When Merkel met Roy

The sun is beating down and the beer is flowing. The sausages are sizzling, and your neighbour - a fine fella of a man - is entertaining your guests with wonderful jokes and amusing anecdotes.

This is going to be a barbecue to remember. But wait - what the hell is Angela Merkel doing here? Well, she explains, as she peers at the barbecue, any party WITHOUT Angela Merkel is likely to be a dull affair. Her arrogance stuns you and your other guests, and when she starts to criticise your outdated and rusty barbecue, you must hold yourself back from giving her a good beating.

"In Germany, everything is a hundred percent better than in England," she boasts, as she nibbles on a peanut. "We won the world cup, we drive fast cars and everyone has a job."

You look at your chipolatas and want to cry, because you know she is right.

"Fuck you, Angela!" cries a familiar voice, as Roy Hodgson comes bounding over, to help you in your hour of need. "Fuck the world cup!" he continues to rant, clearly drunk on vodka and strong lager. "There's no way that you'll ever rule Europe."

Merkel is stunned. She came with rosé wine and flowers for your wife. She feels hurt and humiliated.

"Continue like zat and I'll bloody go home," she giggles, hoping to impress your other invitees with her mock English accent.

"Piss off!" squeals Wayne Rooney, as he throws a burnt sausage at the most powerful woman in Europe.

You look up to the sky and praise the Almighty one, for you know that Wayne Rooney, after fifteen cans of cider, is game for anything.

Rooney starts to jab his finger at Merkel's left breast. "If you didn't have tits and wear a skirt, I'd swear that you're Adolf Hitler reincarnated," he sneers.

It's then when Francois Hollande - the inept, ugly and very tiresome French president - arrives at Merkel's side. He is seething with anger. He hates Liverpool (even if he's never been there) and he thinks Roy Hodgson should know better, and should send his young striker home.

"Now look, Francois," says Hodgson, slurring his words and stuffing a sausage in his mouth, "Wayne and me don't need much to give us an excuse to give you a bloody good hiding."

"Oh, mon dieu!" says Hollande. "I thought you were better than this, Roy" he adds, upset by Hodgson's behaviour.

"And what's more," says Hodgson, "you're on OUR patch."

Hollande strokes his greasy hair and tries to think of a way to resolve the potentially explosive situation. He is secretly in love with Merkel but he also admires Hodgson's flair and style. Hollande therefore decides to get drunk on Martini and whisky with Rooney and Hodgson, telling himself that Merkel, nude, isn't something he would like to see. Wayne congratulates Hollande on his decision, and presents him with two tickets for Manchester United's next home match. 

"Bollocks to Germany!" screams Hollande, as he asks you for another bottle of Martini.

Peace has been restored and you feel happy that your barbecue is going well. But wait - what the hell is Rolf Harris doing here?

"G'day Sheila," chuckles Harris, as he pinches Merkel's left buttock. "I went over the wall last night. They'll never catch me," he adds, as he sucks on a sausage.

"Fucking pervert!" shouts Hollande, as he dials 999.

"It's all lies," explains Harris, as Mrs. Smith from next door pins Harris to the ground. "Bloody lies and deceit."

Your neighbour pokes Harris in the eye with a chicken leg. He cries out in pain, and wishes that he was back in prison.

"You bloody Sheilas - you're all the same," he moans, as he's dragged away by two police officers.

"And any more from you, and you'll be sharing a cell with 'im," says one of the policemen, giving a warning to Angela Merkel.

"But I am Angela Merkel," she explains, to the baby-faced officer.

"And I'm Father Christmas," chuckles the second policeman, as Harris is shoved into the back of a police car.

"Long live the Queen!" shouts Rooney, as he drops his pants in front of Hollande.

"Long live afternoons like THIS!" shouts Hollande, as he vomits three sausages and two bottles of Martini over Merkel."

"Long live England!" you cry, as you shove a chipolata into your mouth. "Summer was made for THIS."

"WHO WANTS TO SEE ME NAKED?" shouts Merkel, as she gets out her two bazookas.

"Not I," replies Hodgson, as he opens another can of strong cider, before impressing your guests with his impression of Rolf Harris.


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