As Christmas is almost upon us, here, at Ryman Towers, and in association with ARSE TV, we are putting the finishing touches to "Bang 'em up NOW!!!" - due to be aired on Christmas day on BBC1.
What a wonderful programme this is, and what a wonderful chance, YOU, the viewing public have in ridding the world of the person you consider to be worthy of spending the rest of their days inside FOREVER!
Sir Cliff Richard has never done time, but throughout his sick and tragic career, in which he has forced billions of people to listen to his insipid, crap and tiresome songs, we have all asked the same question: Shouldn't this irritating turd be behind bars?
In his youth he sang about a summer holiday and the young ones, before mellowing and becoming a devout christian. This is when mistletoe & wine was born - a Christmas song which clearly ranks as the biggest load of dross ever to come out of a recording studio.
And don't forget - if you choose to send Sir Cliff away forever, the Queen will duly strip him of his knighthood.
SMS the word "CLIFF" to 0898 111 110 if you've really got it in for him.
Sepp Blatter is the president of FIFA - world football's governing body. This man is the Adolf Hitler of the beautiful game, and he has no intention of stepping down from his post. Loathed by millions and loved only by his immediate family, Switzerland's worst export is slowly destroying the most popular sport in the world.
Yep! This bugger should be kicked into touch, and what better way to batter Blatter than by sending him on a lifetime holiday to one of Her Majesty's finest prisons?
SMS "BLATTER" to 0898 111 111 if you've really got it in for him.
Angela Merkel is here to stay, and don't forget it! This is the message that the most powerful woman in the world posted on her twitter account, just before she took a shower and went to bed.
When she's not trying to take control of Europe, Merkel can be seen hosting her own television chat show, in which she tells world leaders why the world would be a better place if everyone spoke german, we all drove Mercedes and we all ate sausages.
Some people call her a cuddly bear with a heart of gold, but I know what YOU call her!
SMS "ANGELA" to 0898 111 112 to send her packing.
The boy Roy did well in taking England to the World Cup finals in Brazil, but after being beaten by those pesky Italians, it's clear that England football manager, Roy Hodgson, has got a lot of work to do, if he's to get a knighthood and live happily ever after.
The man is oozing with experience, is well respected and knows what he's talking about, but is Roy Hodgson really the right man for the job?
I can't see Hodgson being still in charge at the end of this year, and if you send him to prison on Christmas day, my prediction will be spot on!
SMS "ROY" to 0898 111 113 to rescue England in its hour of need.
He's already got enough to be getting on with, so does Francois Hollande really need the threat of prsion hanging over him? BUT YES!!! cry millions of froggies, clearly upset by Hollande's presidential performance.
THE WORST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME scream the headlines, as the economy suffers, unemployment soars and the laziest race on the planet get even lazier.
He's out of his depth, he's french and he talks utter rubbish. Would the world miss this bungling buffoon?
SMS "HOLLANDE" to 0898 111 114 to send this socialist to the Big House.