Sunday, 12 April 2015

Merkel's Turtle

When she's not doing a spot of gardening, or watching repeats of Kojak, Angela Merkel likes nothing more than to dream of ruling Europe.

"War is a terrible thing," she says, but if you've ever been near her when she unleashes one of her violent farts, you'll agree that the gas which seeps from her body is almost as bad as grown men shooting at each other.

Either way, there's a huge shitstorm heading our way, and unless we put a stop to this hideous beast - with her hairy armpits and male genitals - Europe may well one day succumb to Angela, fifty-something, from Berlin, who has a passion for turtles and rough sex*

But what must we do to put this little turd back in her box?

Well, a tsunami would be an effective and cheap way to wash away the land of beer and sausages, but because Germany is in the heart of Europe - there's no chance of a killer wave reaching its cities and towns.

No, what's needed here is a radical approach to a simmering problem.

"But what do you propose?" I hear you cry.

BOMBS, my boy - and lot's of them! Let's bomb these buggers with stale turds, rotton fruit and constipated pigs. Let's unleash our own shitstorm, and cover Germany in the finest human waste our bodies can produce.

"And when should this assault begin?" I hear you ask.

Well, Angela is always at home on Friday afternoons, so Friday afternoon sounds fine to me.

So, bombs away!!! Let's stick two fingers up to Europe's most famous she-boy and let's smile, smile, smile...

*This is how she describes herself on her Facebook profile.

Coming soon: The worst town in England

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