Sunday, 14 June 2015

Summer


As summer officially comes into view, and spring prepares to pack its bags for another nine months, now is the time to start planning just how to fill those sunny days which are heading our way.

What I need is a holiday! I hear you cry, as you drool over the pages and pages of bargains which can be found on the internet. Your better half has her mind set on Bali, where the days are bathed in constant sunshine and the beaches are long and sandy. You, however, prefer seven days on some Godforsaken Greek island, because, and as you quite rightly say, the sun in Bali is the same as the sun in Greece, but for only £99 per person, for seven days, a week in Lesbos is much better for the budget.
OUR RATING IS 4/10: Cheap it might be, but Greece is drowning in debt and illegal immigrants. Hot it may well be, but with most pubs and bars unable to pay their suppliers, what is the point of going somewhere where the only drink on offer is tap water. Avoid this nation of hairy women and abandoned resorts, and leave Lesbos for the locals.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside...you sing, as you contemplate a long weekend in Great Yarmouth. The kids will love it, the wife will hate it but you, after finding a pub where happy hour is every hour, won't really care what your better half thinks. Ah!!! The smell of fish and chips, the stench of sewage as it spills into the sea and the used syringes which cover the sand is what holidays are all about. Then there's the dog shit and broken bottles, the guest houses from hell and the the cold wind which rolls permanently in from the disgusting and ice-cold sea.
OUR RATING IS 2/10: This dump of a seaside resort is nothing like it used to be. Crammed with immigrants and unemployed drug addicts, spending a weekend in Great Yarmouth is as bad as premature ejaculation and chronic toothache.

Let's go camping! you cry, as you picture you and your family in a tent, in a unspoilt and charming part of England. Barbecues upon barbecues, lazy days under the sun and walks in the woods. You've found a four-star campsite in Cornwall, not too far away from Lands End. The campsite has won numerous awards and prides itself on it's amenities. But can this paradise on earth really be this good...
OUR RATING IS 6/10: If the campsite is clean and the campers are well-mannered, this could be a good idea. Watch out however for Albanian immigrants and noisy German bastards. Also, don't forget that the weather can make or break such a holiday.

Let's have a party! you say, as you imagine having the mother of all garden parties. The fridge is crammed with beer and Chardonnay, the sausages are sizzling and the music is at full blast. The kids are having fun, the ladies are getting merrily drunk and you and your friends are already hopelessly slaughtered. Your neighbour, an elderly German man, asks you politely to turn the music down. Your friend - a tattooed beast with a dislike of anyone not English - decides to urinate over your neighbour's roses, before leading the rest of your guests into a rousing version of Land of Hope and Glory.
OUR RATING IS 910: This is another way to relax which can be a complete success or total failure. Keep the beer flowing, keep the sausages coming and to hell with the Germans, and this will be one hell of a way to celebrate summer!

Happy Holidays!!!