Sunday, 13 September 2015
With there them migrants about to hit our shores, the barbecue season coming to an end and the nights slowly drawing in, life in dear old Blighty won't be as good for some time to come - at least until next spring to be precise.
Oh how the thought of autumn and winter sends a shiver down my spine. No more lounging in the garden, no more mowing the lawn, no more beer under the parasol, no more sizzling sausages on the barbecue...
But apart from being deprived of all of these good things, what can one expect from the world of business, politics, sport and entertainment over the coming months?
Well, look out for the latest line from McDonalds: The MacRefugee. This delightful creation can be worn around the neck, is made of plastic, and so acts as a bouyancy aid in the event of one those dinghys, much loved by migrants around the world, capsizing. What's more, because it's plastic, the bun-cum-lifejacket, can't be eaten. What a brilliant innovation, I hear you cry. Quite right too - and in this healthy-eating obsessed world in which we now live, there's no chance that those migrants will become hideously obese, thus making sure that as many of the buggers can be squeezed into their dinghys, for their return journey home.
The natives are in uproar, but with his popularity rating being lower than ever, this is the time for Hollande to do a Cliff Richard, to boost his image.
It's socialism gone mad, I hear you cry. It's the end of La France, the world replies. Well, we'll have to wait and see...
Other events that could take place before the end of the year:
Wayne Rooney announces that his buttocks were once squeezed by a very drunk Angela Merkel - odds 500/1
Roy Hodgson makes a vile, racist comment concerning the migrants entering Britain - odds 2/1
Cliff Richard turns water into wine and opens a campsite for homeless migrants - odds 2/1
The BBC is shut down after it's confirmed that the organisation is infested with perverts, child molestors and
overpaid arseholes - odds 10/1
New Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, reveals that all migrants will receive apple i-pads, beer and Nike training shoes for Christmas - providing they pledge their loyalty to him and his party of no-hopers - odds 3/1
Monday, 7 September 2015
Who is the vulgar cockney with the flash car, and why is he showing an interest in a struggling golf club which has seen better days?
Alistair Lime, the club's long-serving president, is keen to discover the answer to these questions.
“Wait a while, Mister Lime, and all will be revealed,” announces Johnny Joy, an overweight Londoner with money to burn. “You might hate me now, but tomorrow you'll love me.”
And so Alistair Lime succumbs to Johnny Joy's charms, even if drastic changes are in the air.
But things won't change that much, will they?
Welcome to the clubhouse, where gin and tonics and soggy cheese sandwiches will soon be banished, to be replaced by exciting food and fancy cocktails.
What will the members make of this?
The Clubhouse: if you like golf you'll hate this. If you loathe golf you'll love this.
The Clubhouse by Luke Ryman is the first part of an amusing series about love, life and money - but certainly not about golf. Out now from Amazon for Kindle.
Click here to buy the book.
Click here to buy the book.