Sunday, 11 December 2016

Views from the Fat Man - PART ONE


Tony Joy - aka The Fat Man - wants to share with you his thoughts on how this year, which is rapidly coming to an end, has been, and what he would have done to make it better. Fuelled by strong lager and a hatred of all people of the non-white category, this foul-mouthed, overweight layabout has lots to say - if anyone wants to listen.

"Girls getting naked are here to stay. Porn is BIG, whether you agree with it or not. This year, we've all had to suffer up to our armpits the endless news stories concerning the current migrant situation affecting Europe. Now, the Calais Jungle has been dismantled, and the immigrants have been sent packing to various refugee centres throughout France. What I want to say is that the influx of unwanted migrants was a big thing, which is now starting to wobble, before the whole bloody saga will probably come to an end. This crisis is not big enough to hold our attention, unlike porn, which is as solid as a rock, and which will still be here when the refugees are long gone.

"This is a full English breakfast, crammed to bursting point with fat, grease and other unhealthy things. This is the BEST way to start the day, and ranks as one of my favourite gut-busting meals. It would be a brave man to tell me that this sort of food is bad for you. THINK STRAIGHT and EAT GREAT is my motto, and to hell with your carrot juice."

"What can I say that hasn't been said already? We are being destroyed by TV and the celebrities which spring up from nowhere, thanks to this ghastly medium. If they're not touching-up kiddies, banging on about the migrant crisis or just bothering us like flies around a lukewarm turd, they are surely up to no good. I'd rather spend an evening with a family of refugees from Syria than a minute with these drossbags."
"Very soon our passports will no longer mention the words EUROPEAN COMMUNITY on the front cover, as BREXIT and all of its consequences slash through the chains that bind us to the continent, and shackle us to a regime of oppression and rigidity. YES, we have got our country back! I've scratched my head and balls for hours on end, to think of one reason why BREXIT can't be good for us, and I'm struggling to come up with an answer. We're on to a winner with this, and our darkie and darkest days are behind us. Clean the streets and the streets will stay clean, for tomorrow is a day of new changes!"


"With their sad faces and underfed bodies, they could be right in thinking that life isn't a bowl of cherries. Driven out of their homeland by civil war and starving to death, a decent cheeseburger would be enough to make 'em 'appy. You see: I AM A SOLUTIONS MAN!"

TO BE CONTINUED.