Thank God that the presidential elections are over in France. Intense politics can drive a sane man crazy, but I've always managed to keep my head up in such testing conditions.
Politicians are a funny lot - dishonest, thieving and sometimes homosexual - but it's this lot who decide how our country is run.
I reckon that I would have been a great world leader, if it wasn't for the fact that I swear a lot when drunk, I'm very fat and I don't like certain ethnic minorities.
Anyway, I've spent the last few hours thinking and drinking, and now I think I've got the five-point plan that could get most countries back on track, if they're in financial turmoil, and the natives are getting restless.
1: Long-term unemployed people should be seen but not heard. Why the hell do these parasites have the right to vote, when they offer nothing to the economy? Strip 'em of their rights.
2: Bring back flogging. Shoplifters to insurance salesmen would think twice before crossing the line.
3: Bring back national service. A young boy (or girl) who is groomed at a young age, and who has discipline drilled into them is an asset to a nation. Don't forget: war is here to stay, so we need a fighting force.
4: Ban mobile telephones in public places. It's a plague that's gonna bring us all down unless we stamp out the biggest menace since reality television.
5: Ban fast food restaurants. This craze is smashing through the traditional family way of life like a bazooka through candyfloss. Selling unhealthy, unappetising and overpriced food, these temples of sin are sending nations into a pit of obesity.
You know I'm right!